You paired me with WHO?
by dipothebookworm
Summary: The hosts are not happy. Some fangirls paired them up with people CLEARLY not their type. They just want to set the record STRAIGHT.
1. Haruhi's Rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: Obviously, I do not own OHSHC, that brilliant manga belongs to Bisco Hatori. At any rate, if I did own it by some miracle, Tamaki/Haruhi would NOT happen)

Hello. This is Haruhi Fujioka. I was requested to do this interview by the sheer volume of fangirls. Of course, you fangirls only have one thing on your minds. ROMANCE. Which brings me to the interview. I only am doing this to clear up some… confusion that people may have. Browsing through the vast range of pairings there are, I just HAD to say something!

Tamaki:

I don't care if this IS canon. I hate him. I hate him. **I. HATE. HIM.** He drives me in-FREAKIN-sane! Who calls the girl he's in love with his DAUGHTER? Not to mention, he sexually assaults me EVERYDAY. How thick can he be? Every time he hugs me, I choke and tell him to let go. He doesn't listen. How would I, one of the calm hosts bear to deal with him? And, before you pull the whole "Opposites attract" thing out, opposites just as often rip each other to shreds after they are attracted. But, I don't recall reading any of THAT. How could I love that idiot? The only reason I ended up with that loser is because of the cruel, cruel hold the mangaka has over me...Just the thought…. Ugh. I think I need a breath.

Hikaru:

He's just too immature. And if you think about it, he's the same as Tamaki. Remember the time he insulted my old friend and left me in the rain? Yeah, just because I forgive does NOT mean I forget. F***ing idiot.

Kaoru:

Better than Hikaru by a mile, but still no. Why would I want to date a guy if his brother was in love with me? No. AND, I would also like to mention, Me and Hikaru AND Kaoru? You people have sick, sick minds. I accidentally fell on one of those, and to this day, whenever I see their twincest act I gag.

Hunny:

What kind of drugs are you people on? He looks like a 7 year old. I would feel like a pedophile with him.

Mori:

Just no.

Nekozawa:

How on God's green Earth did anyone make this pairing? I have seen this lunatic no more than 5 times. No, no, no, no, no and NO. And he seems to have a puppet fetish. Also, he would probably sacrifice my soul to a cat.

Kasanoda:

Ok, let me clarify this a LEETLE bit. He is in the friendzone. Nice guy and all, but he freaks me out a bit. Now that I think about it, I might be oblivious to people's feelings towards me, but I am not THAT obtuse. What IS it with all these bozos falling for me? Did I accidentally slip some love drug into their tea? I don't get it! But, back to Kasanoda. He's in the friendzone. And he ain't coming out.

Kyoya:

HJDGHXJHFXDFCFXDJCUGHVKFYGCJHGUFGCJHGJKGJHEFXCKJVGJCKKJV:KJVLJHUCGFXHGGUOHCGGHLHUIDTSFXCJLFTDFXFGFIHGFKUXJ. Episode 8. What kind of guy considers it a good idea to teach someone a lesson by threatening to assault them? Even if he does look great shirtless, it is still WRONG. Not to mention he continually added to my debt, went all 'Shadow King' (ok, that was slightly cute) annnnd is possibly the sketchiest guy I have ever met. In fact, I think that he was born into the wrong family. He should be a Yakuza! Anyway, he's still my favorite out of all of those crazies. Actually, I could kinda see it...

And with that, I hope some of you weirdos will get a hint and stop writing this crap. But now that I think about it, Mori is pretty cute..


	2. Tamaki's Rant

You paired me with WHO?

( A/N: Sorry for not posting this on the first chapter, but obviously I do not own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does. But you lovely clever people knew that!)

Bonjour mes amies! This is Tamaki Suoh, the handsomest, most charming and overall most BEAUTIFUL man at Ouran, and possibly the whole of Japan! This interview was requested because, (of course) my many fans wanted to know the TRUTH behind all the fanfiction pairings out there. I have come to dispel those silly rumors, and reveal the truth.

Haruhi:

Don't be ridiculous! Haruhi is my one true love! My princess, the loveliest girl there ever was and ever will be. And also my daughter. But no, it is not wrong, because daddies and daughters can marry, it's OK. She and I DID get together in the end, after all. Don't listen to her. We are in love. In love. And everything is OK when you are in love. Just like in that commoner story Twilight! I am the Edward to Haruhi's Bella! Our love is timeless and perfect and SPARKLY!

Kyoya:

Silly girls! I do not love him. He is my best friend, and the vice-president of the Host Club! How would that even work? We are both men! Wait… (processing) NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! As I have said BEFORE, Haruhi and I are the love interests and everyone else is the homosexual supporting cast! I am most certainly NOT homosexual. And all of that erotic dialogue that Kyoya and I have as mommy and daddy is OK, because we are married.

Hikaru & Kaoru:

HOW COULD I EVER LOVE THESE DEMONSPAWN TWINS? Hikaru and Kaoru are the doppelgangers of evil! They try to take my lovely Haruhi from me! This is unacceptable! They try to claim that she is their pet! Haruhi is MINE! And they are always calling me a pervert! LIES! Just because I want to show affection to my beautiful daughter! I honestly don't know how mommy and I had such troublesome sons!

Mori:

I do not understand this. My charming personality and good looks would be wasted on this… robot. Not to mention he prevented me from showing affection to my Haruhi just because she "wasn't breathing". Her lungs were full of LOVE! Who needs air?

Hunny:

I understand this even less. That boy is evil. Pure evil. Remember the time I nearly died because of a little tea spilled on Usa-chan? He tossed my beloved teddy, Kuma-bear onto the ground! Not to mention when he tried to chomp my arm off when I tried to use my boundless charm to comfort him after his cavity! To this day, my arm hurts whenever I think of going to the dentist…

Nekozawa:

I have no idea which princess started this, but she is hereby banned from the Host Club, now and for eternity. This person CURSED me for stepping on his creepy cat doll! I was sent into an alternate dimension, writing a nonsense test, and woke up with my legs not working! He wanted to murder me! Not that I am afraid of dying, of course. But think of my fans! Of my Haruhi! She needs her daddy!

Renge:

Though she IS the lady manager of the Host Club, my heart belongs to one lady only (If you couldn't guess who that is, it's HARUHI!). And she hurt my feelings when we first met. Who would choose Kyoya, the Shadow King, and scariest person in Japan, over ME, the handsomest, most charming, bright, modest and princely host? She is quite obviously delusional.

And THAT, My lovely ladies is all the myths about my so-called pairings. Au revoir!

(A/N: Next chapter: The Shadow King himself! And btw, I would choose Kyoya over Tamaki any day of the week!)


	3. Kyoya's rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: Don't own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does!)

Salutations to all. To those who are blissfully unaware (like one certain blond prince), I am Kyoya Ootori, 3rd son of Yoshio Ootori, current president of the Ootori zaibatsu. Ordinarily, there would be no merit in my participation in this frivolous affair, but the rumors of these horrific 'pairings' within the Host Club fandom are (although profitable to the club, adding 27% to revenue with the overall increase of visitors), irritating to me. None of the drivel that you supposed 'fans' write is accurate in the least. The record will be set straight today.

Haruhi:

Though Haruhi is clever enough for me, this is simply ridiculous. I have feeling for her as a friend only, nothing more. And she is with my (shudder) best friend, that PRAT Tamaki. I have no desire to threaten the Ootori/Suoh business relationship with a ridiculous idea such as attempting to steal her away from him.

Renge:

That girl is an abomination. She claimed that I was her fiance the first time she saw my picture, based on the fact that I closely resemble some video game character she likes. I would also like to address… WHO LET HER INSTALL A MOTOR IN MY HOST CLUB?! I must find whoever did this and have a DISCUSSION with them. However, she HAS had some decent ideas for the Host club, and female input is always appreciated, so I will let the matter of the motor slide.

Tamaki:

You people need serious assistance. I will repeat this ONCE, and once only. I am not part of, and never will be part of the homosexual supporting cast. This has been affirmed. And to any brave soul believing otherwise, I will find you. And send the Black Onion Squad after you. Be reassured, even in millennia to come, your body will NOT be found. And before you try to say anything about the whole 'mommy' situation, Tamaki's delusions are not meant to be taken seriously. I have just learned that: it is much, MUCH easier to just roll with it. And, after reading some of the so called 'fanfiction' (fiction being the imperative word here) one thing with this pairing irritated me more than ever. No matter what ANYONE says, I am not ever going to be the uke. Not even in any ridiculous, stupid alternate universe. Don't even try it. I. Am. Seme.

Any of the other hosts:

Waste of time. Just a statement: Kaoru is no more than a friend to me. And to reiterate for the final time, I am not a homosexual. To be honest, the twincest act makes me physically ill. If not for the fans and the revenue the twins bring in, I would have never allowed such debauchery.

With that little explanation, I hope that all the fangirl's fantasies will be dispelled quickly and quietly. If you don't mind, 'daddy' and I need to have a DISCUSSION about who is the REAL king of the Host Club.

(A/N: Well, that was… icy. The Low Blood Pressure Lord hath nary an inkling of patience for the fans. Next up… Mori-sempai! And a quick note: Some people say I am biased towards Kyoya/Haruhi: I totally am. Not gonna lie. This is slightly biased, but damn it, it's my DREAM! And thank you Lilacshadows, I would pick the Shadow King any and EVERY time!)


	4. Mori's Rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: As per usual, I do not own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does, and I can only hope to one day create characters as awesome.)

Note: AS we all know, Mori-senpai is not much of a speaker. Therefore, the humble recorder will include a handy translation for this interview, in _italics_, and what the wild host actually says will be in **bold**. Thank you for your consideration and patience.

**Hello.**

_(Greetings, my name is Takashi Morinozuka, but you can call me Mori. I honestly don't really care that much about this whole 'fanfiction' thing, but Kyoya wanted everyone to do this, so that we could publish a pamphlet to sell.)_

Haruhi:

**Nope. Not at all.**

_(Haruhi is a very nice girl, but my feelings for her are no more than that of an older brother for a younger sister.)_

Kyoya:

**Good kid.**

_(As I am not part of the 'homosexual supporting cast' I cannot say I feel anything towards him other than respect for the way he runs the Host Club and deals with Tamaki. I think that he deserves a serious reward for putting up with that load of crazy.)_

Tamaki:

**Tsk.**

_(I honestly do not know where this pairing came from. There is no accounting for taste.)_

Honey:

**As a Morinozuka, I am bound to the Haninozukas by generations of service, and by family ties as well.**

_(What is with you perverts? Must everything become incest for you? I cannot even dream of doing any such thing with my cousin. Shame upon all who support this and your families.)_

Hikaru and Kaoru:

**Ah.**

_(No. They are creepy, creepy children. But Hikaru seems less creepy.)_

**That's all.**

_(I hope that this will enlighten all the fangirls out there to the fact that this is all slander. I have no romantic feelings to any of the Hosts, nor do I plan to at any point in time.)_

(A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but Mori is a man of few words, and you can only do so much. Also, no offense to the Mori/Honey pairing fangirls, this is for fun! Up next, the twincest act we all know and love, Hikaru and Kaoru!)


	5. The Twins Rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: Hallo folks, thanks to all who read, favorited and followed my little story! Of course, I (very sadly) do not own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does. R&R! Oh, and I was too lazy to write one for each of the twins, and they refused to be parted. I love them.)

Hello to all of the fangirls! (Deafening applause) It is us, the two, the only, Hitachiin twins! Now we are here to debunk all the pairing theories that the naughty fangirls thought up. We read some of the 'fanfiction' stuff, and honestly, you all need to be saved.

(As the twins are NOT, contrary to popular belief, the same person, Hikaru's response will be in _italics_, and Kaoru's in plain text, and when they speak at the same time, it is in **bold**.)

Tamaki:

(Both twins)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! *gasp* *catching breath* *gasp*

_H: I can't believe…_

K: That anyone…

**B: Would even think that!**

_H: Seriously, Tono is insane. And anyway, why would I want to date that loser?_

K: He's an S&M pervert. I'm not into that. Anyway, he's always perving on our toy!

_H: The only thing that I genuinely enjoy about that twerp is trolling him. His FACE! It's hilarious!_

Kyoya:

_H: No comment._

K: He's not so bad, and even looked kind of cute that one time… But I shouldn't have said that. It's that sort of thing that makes all those pervert fangirls think that their weird yaoi fantasies are legit. To restate what literally every interview before us has said: It. Will. Not. Happen. Sure, I respect him and all, but if worst came to worst, I think that he would sell us all without a thought.

Mori:

(silence)

_H: Well, I guess he's kind of like my mentor, soooooo no._

Honey:

_H: What the hell?_

K: That's just freaky. I'm not into the whole shota/lolita bunny thing. Speaking of that damn bunny, remember that time he blew up an army base? Yeah, well I do. When we spilled tea on his precious Usa-chan, I thought we were next. I was just thinking, I'm too young to die! I had so many pranks left unpulled! Too many outfits left unworn! Honestly. I thought the Ouran fangirls were stupid, but WOW. These authors could rival Tono in insanity. And win, probably.

Renge:

_H: Otaku…?_

K: Otaku…?

**B: I've never seen one before!**

_H: Until I met this girl. She takes fangirling to a whole new level. All her Kyoya dolls were pretty scary. Who decides from a picture that she's going to marry someone? Ever heard of Photoshop, Renge? She scares me. Although, anyone who can reject Tono, and actually hit him (no, girls, hitting on him is not the same thing) is pretty cool in my book._

K: She got my character ALL wrong! I mean, she wrote me as the seme! Anyone who's seen our act knows the truth about THAT aspect of the Host Club. And she eats waay too much rice. Really. She doesn't even put anything on it. And a question... WHERE THE HELL DOES SHE KEEP POPPING OUT OF? The floor? What?

Haruhi:

_H: Oh, finally a serious one. Well, I did fall in love with her but, it just wasn't meant to be. She'll always be my first love, though. I still can't believe I lost to that f***ing lecherous Tono! Damn my luck. Mangaka had no love for the twins. The only thing that makes me feel better about that is Ranka beating him up every time he sees him._

K: I suppose I had a crush on her, but Hikaru is more important to me. He lost, anyway, but I don't think I really loved her, only the idea of her. Besides, she's as flat as a washboard. I have higher standards of that. But at least I still have Haruhi as a toy!

Nekozawa:

K: Look, isn't this supposed to be serious?

Kasanoda:

_H: Die. And isn't his name Casanova? And that guy in his gang seems to have that covered, anyway._

Each Other:

….

(due to the twins leaving the interview and cursing at the poor interviewer (me), I was unable to get a response. However, this was one of the most important pairings, so the Shadow King convinced (read: threatened) them to come back for a second interview)

_H: You idiot's know that everything about the Host club is fake, right? Hate to break it to you girls, but we don't love each other in that way._

K: Honestly, I'm shocked that anyone comes to the Host club just to watch two brothers pretend to feel up each other. Just because we sleep in the same bed with little to no clothes on does NOT mean that we are gay! Really! It's called brotherly love, but not literally, perverts!

_H: Morons._

K: I hope that this was enough to get rid of your creepy homo fetishes, you creeps! Go home! Get a psychologist! Get a life!

(End interview)

(A/N: This was a hard chapter to write. I kind of ran out of insults that didn't sound Kyoya-esque. Coming next is my cute li'l shota baby, Honey! Another note: (sorry) The polls are open: Should I write a version of this mess for Black Butler? And which rant was the best? Vote on my profile! And the contest is on! The person with the most (genuine) comments will pick the pairing for my next fic! The contest ends when this series does, so start soon!)


	6. Honey's Rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: You know the drill. I have never, and probably will never own OHSHC. Bisco Hatori does, which is why my fragile little heart was broken when a certain Haruhi and a certain Tamaki ended up together. Read and REVIEW!)

Hi everyone! My name is Mitsukuni Haninozuka, but you can call me Honey! Kyo-chan convinced me that I should do this interview, even though I did not really mind. And I can talk and eat cake at the same time! I didn't know or care about the 'fanfiction' thing. There were sweets to be eaten. Until I saw the Mori/Honey pairing. After that… experience, I might never see myself the same way again. Because of THAT, I have to do this interview. For my honor.

Tamaki:

I will forever respect and like Tama-chan for helping me embrace the things I love most: cake and cute things! However, this is purely platonic. I am glad that he accepted my true self (even though it can be sorta strange; my own brother called me an alien), but that means exactly what it means. I am not attracted to him in any way, shape, or form.

Haruhi:

No, no, no, no, no! Haru-chan is more like my sister! She is small and cute, like me and Usa-chan! I couldn't even dream it! Besides, there are more than enough Hosts with feelings for her…

Kyoya:

Er. I think that Kyo-chan and I are a bit too alike, in certain ways. Like we can both be... demonic when we are woken up too early. I don't think that two of the demons of the Host club would get together all that well.

Hikaru and Kaoru:

Silly fangirls! We are just friends and I intend to keep it that way, thank you very much, ladies. Now that I think about it, Hika-chan and Kao-chan are kinda strange. Even their 'brotherly love' can look very believable at times. The Hikaru/Kaoru pairing almost makes a scary amount of sense, now that I think about it. Hmm.

Mori:

Look, I know that this is what all you people were waiting for. You princesses are all very disturbed, and the whole MOE thing needs to stop. In fact, I have decided to push an initiative: HAMO. Hosts Against Moe Otakus. This disgusting idea that all the hosts secretly want each other is wrong. None of us are homosexuals! (Well, I can't speak for Kaoru, but everyone else for sure!). Oh, I just realized that I didn't really address this pairing. Incest is not a thing I can support, and with Takashi? No. That is disgusting. All I can say is that all of the shippers of this pairing should thank their lucky stars that I live in Japan and that the internet is anonymous, because otherwise, WWIII may very well break out. Remember, looks can be deceiving. I am not a person who you would want to antagonize. I sent my own father to the hospital. Don't try me.

Renge:

No! Renge-chan is mean and scary and has snake hair and evil eyes. And can't bake for s***. And she tried to change my character! She said I wasn't any different than a baby! She also made me be a meanie to Haru-chan in that movie she made! I couldn't handle that! Haru-chan is my friend! Also, how did she get that motor thingy into the club? Kyo-chan was very angry about that!

Reiko:

This is the only pairing I can agree with. Reiko-chan is my friend, and also girlfriend. Since she and I get married, this is perfectly OK. You ladies may continue to write this. You have my permission and blessing. 'Kay?

Usa-chan:

I think that even Usa-chan was offended by this. And he is not alive. He is a bunny doll. I think you girls may be a bit deranged.

Hopefully, all you silly princesses will stop writing this stuff. Usa-chan and I say bye! It's time for the weekly night cake feast!

(A/N: How was that, peeps? I honestly love that loli shota cutie. Next is none other than the resident otaku and lady manager, Renge! Review, si'l vous plait. Please. For Usa-chan. And cake. Whoever comments the most by the time this fic is over gets to give the pairing for my next fic! So far **AnimeBestie** is in the lead! But the comments can't be random, put some effort in! Vote on the poll on my profile, please!)


	7. Renge's Rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: I do not own Renge, OHSHC, or Kyoya. Bisco Hatori does. Sadly. I just want Renge. (And Kyoya, of course, he is my husbando) But seriously. She is the freakin' BOMB!)

(Cue the motor, with Renge doing her famous crazy laugh while rising on a platform)

Hello all! It is me, Renge Houshakuji, the one and only lady manager of the Host Club! Of course, I understand the plight of the otakus! The Hosts were FAR too cruel in dismissing the many pairings! In fact, I want to discuss some of them!

Mori/Honey:

YES! Their 'brotherly love' (or is it cousinly love?) is as appealing as the twins! And when Honey got a cavity and Mori slammed him on the couch to check if he was ok; MOE MOE and more MOE! That caring embrace was the missing element to their relationship! It was enough to make me want to eat 6 bowls of rice!

Haruhi/Tamaki:

OH! This is perfect! I love this pairing, except Tamaki needs some more angst. I liked him as the 'Lonely Prince'! Yet, they make a wonderful pair! Him, the blonde, dashing prince, and her, the commoner swept off her feet in a whirlwind romance! It's too much! I feel faint!

Mori/Haruhi:

FABULOUS! I feel like Haruhi could be the key to unlocking his inexpressive, dry, blunt face, and unleashing a volcano of PASSION! They would be perfect! Him, the tall, dark and handsome hero, her the delicate, small, but strong-hearted heroine! The romance! The adventure! The MOE! Just thinking about it makes me want to eat 3 bowls of rice!

Then, Kyo- Oh, I almost forgot. This is supposed to be about ME! Oh, yes. I got a bit off track, but I couldn't help it if the MOE got to me! ANYWAY, all the Hosts did an interview, and as the lady manager, I couldn't be left behind! Nevertheless, I myself have some pairings that need to be… Discussed.

Tamaki:

How could I ever love that FAKE prince? That PHONY, DISGUSTING, INCOMPETENT, DIM-WITTED COMMONER! He's stupid! He's a narcissist! He's exasperating! And always trying to act like he's a gentleman! Argh! Just the idea of being near him makes me want to puke!

Kyoya:

Oh, my Kyoya is perfect and wonderful and clever and sweet and kind and handsome and charming and loves kittens and great and… Oh wait, that's Miyabi. Kyoya is a dear boy, but just no. He's not at ALL like my darling Miyabi, and that will simply NOT do! I need a man who's more perfect. As perfect as is humanly possible. And likes kittens.

Haruhi:

At first, I was thrilled with this! He was so kind, lecturing me about not judging people! And he looked so CUTE crossdressing! Yeah, then I discovered Haruhi was a girl. Oh well! We may never be lovers, but we are definitely besties for life!

Honey:

He's so… bland. And no better than a baby! What sort of 18 year old looks like that? Honestly! His character is so flavorless the thought of it makes me lose my appetite! I couldn't even eat a single bowl of rice!

Any other Host:

NONOnononononononononNONONONonononoNOnoNOnOnOnOnOnoNONoNonononoNONonononononOno!

Augh! I understand being an otaku, but this is too MUCH! I cannot see myself with any of the other Hosts! Especially not Hikaru and kaoru. Their brotherly love should never be broken up! In fact, I just wrote a new doujinshi about them entitled "Forbidden Touch". It is truly a work of art. And Kaoru as the seme, of course. I was thinking of directing a new film, starring the Host Club again! Maybe it should be called, "Boys adrift…", YEAH! I can see it now! With Haruhi and….. Honey as the love interests! Here's an excerpt:

* * *

><p>Haruhi: I feel so cold.<p>

Honey: But this tropical island is so warm, we are almost roasting!

Haruhi: I meant my heart. Only one thing can melt the icy wasteland…

Honey: Cake?

Haruhi: I meant you.

Honey: Are you sure? Cake would be pretty good.

Haruhi: No. It would not be the same. And we are stranded on an island, with no bakeries! How do we get any cake?

Honey: Well, cake just has to be pretty and sweet. Would you be my cake?

Haruhi: Oh!

(She jumps into his arms)

* * *

><p>There! Want more, don't you! It will be the most brilliant romantic comedy the world will ever know! More romantic than Twilight! Funnier than people crashing into things while on vehicles! Sweeter than ice cream covered in fudge and sprinkles! What were we talking about again?<p>

Oh, I remember now. The fanfiction pairings, WRITE! Write as many as possible! The MOE I've seen on this site makes me want to eat 10 bowls of rice! The romance! The kisses! The passion! I heartily encourage you to write this 'fanfiction'!

(The interview was interrupted by Kyoya casting his Shadow aura throughout the room. Renge had a severe reaction, resulting in color failure, and has not spoken or dared to leave her room for a week. The interviewer, however collapsed from a serious nasal hemorrhage from seeing Kyoya's hotness, and needed 2 blood transfusions. Please visit both these girls in the hospital, and send prayers. Oh, and closing words from the Shadow King):

Excuse me. Sorry for the interview being stopped, but Miss Houshakuji has a problem with her mouth: It won't close unless prompted from a higher power. Please disregard any rubbish she has said today and STOP WRITING THIS CRAP YOU PSYCHOS! HAMO WILL FIND YOU! How do you people hug your mothers with the hands you use to write this filth? How do you sleep at night? JUST. STOP. Leave us ALONE.

The end.

(A/N: I'm sorry, Renge. I love you, but the writer inside me punched me in the face and took over this chapter. And hey... if you want a perfect guy who loves cats, you should try Sebas-chan. He has the same voice actor, too! And, before the Shadow King kills me, I also apologize for disparaging your character. Don't deport me. Next up, Nekozawa, the emo Tamaki! Anywho, y'see that button that says review? Click it. Write stuff. Review. For the contest. Winner picks the pairing for my drabble fic. And vote on the poll on my profile. I want to know which rant was evvybodys fave. Seeya, peeps! Love ya!)


	8. Nekozawa and Kasanoda's Rant

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: I don't own OHSHC! Stop rubbing it in! Bisco Hatori does! (sobs) Are you peeps ready for Emo Tamaki? If not, read all the previous chapters and come back. I can wait.)

Note: The interviewer is in **bold,** and Nekozawa in regular text.

Greetings all. I am Umehito Nekozawa, leader of the Black Magic club at Ouran. The spirits have informed me of this 'fanfiction' that is being written about my character. And they are unhappy. I will address all of these 'pairings', to appease Beelzenef.

Haruhi:

I fail to understand this. Who is she?

(The interviewer explains)

I still am unaware of who she is, so I cannot comment.

Tamaki:

Isn't he that idiot who stepped on my Beelzenef? A THOUSAND CURSES! Where is Reiko? CURSE HIM!

(The interviewer waits patiently while he casts various curses and insults Tamaki (honestly, that girl is a saint dealing with all these idiots))

** Are you done?**

Yes, I'm sorry. The spirits apologize. Anyway, even if that incident didn't occur, that would still never happen. We practically have the same face. And he's so… peppy. Ugh.

Kirimi:

Curse you. That is disgusting.

(awkwardness due to the fact that there are not really any more pairings for Nekozawa as he is not that popular)

Don't you have any more to ask me?

**No, not really.**

Why?

**Do I have to say this? You aren't really that popular. I mean, how many chapters are you in? 4 1/2?**

Oh. Why?

**While being cute, you are, and I say this in the nicest possible way, insane. And if you are going to curse me for saying that, it proves my point exactly.**

Huh. Um, ok.

(another awkward silence)

Well, I hope that that dispelled the (very few) pairings that I am involved in. Praise Beelzenef.

(A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but he really does not have that many pairings. Apologies to Nekozawa fans, but when the hell is he ever there? I suppose that Kasanoda is next, and probs the last rant here. Review! Vote on the poll! I want feedback! And check out my new story, 'A night I'd rather forget'. Contrary to the name, it is crack, not angst.)

* * *

><p>WRONG! UPDATED!<p>

(A/N: Yeah since Kasanoda and Nekozawa are both pretty short, I combine them! Brilliant, innit? HAHA I'm so clever.)

Uh, Hey. It's Ritsu here. Or you can call me Kasanoda. But not Casanova. That's kinda annoying. I'm next in line to be heir to the Kasanoda syndicate of the Yakuza. I'm not really a scary guy, I guess that my pops just taught me too well. I didn't really have any friends before the Host Club and all. So I decided to help them with this little 'problem' they've been having with this 'fanfiction' stuff. Honestly, I think that this is even scarier than I am supposed to be! But that's enough introduction, I guess.

Haruhi:

Not gonna happen. She put me in the friendzone pretty hard. Still a nice girl, though. She was the first to see through my mean-looking exterior, and I will be grateful to her for that.

Tetsuya:

I'm not into guys. And just so y'know, I can send my boys after all the people that write this.

Mei:

That's OK. She's my girlfriend, so I don't really mind that.

That's it, I guess. I have to tend my gardens. Later.

* * *

><p>(AN: Aren't you guys glad I didn't put that short thing into a new chapter? You would have felt cheated. Anyway, this is the penultimate chapter, and the last real rant. I am currently working on the epilogue, and it will be suuper long to make up for it, and packed with goodies! Please review with your questions about the characters/series (anime and manga, I am good with both) so the interviewer can ask the Hosts! And the comment contest is still on! Don't forget about the poll either! Visit my page. Byeee!)


	9. Epilogue part 1

You paired me with WHO?

(A/N: Thanks all you peeps for supporting me and my li'l story! This is, (sadly) the last chapter so it will be extra long and packed with goodies. Meaning, that all of the questions we all had by the end of the series will be answered (well, sort of), and don't own OHSHC, and if you didn't know that by now, I have some great tropical beachfront land in Alaska I would like to sell you.)

* * *

><p>Epilogue.<p>

_(All the Hosts (and other interviewees) have been gathered in a final, group interview. Now they have read ALL of the rants. How do they feel about them?)_

Note: The Host's are in regular text, and the interviewer is in **bold.**

**So, how do all of you feel about the interviews? Any particular things that you would like to talk about?**

Tamaki: HARUHIIIIIIIII! WHY DID YOU LIE? You love ME, right? RIGHT?

Haruhi: …

No.

(Tamaki sobs uncontrollably for ten minutes)

**Well, this is awkward. Anyone who isn't an idiot?**

Renge: Yeah. I just got out of the hospital, and I feel like I wasn't done yet. I have another sneak peek of my NEW script! it's called: 'Forbidden Passionate Passion'.. Starring Haruhi and Kyoya!

* * *

><p><em>(scene opens in Music Room #3, and it is deserted)<em>

_Kyoya: I need to address something to you._

_Haruhi: What is it? My debt?_

_Kyoya: No. it's my debt to you._

_Haruhi: What?_

_Kyoya: You've changed me, Haruhi. Now I am a better man. I no longer feel the need to charge for everything or look for monetal merit. I owe you. You have awakened a change in me, a spark; one that drives an honest man, emerging to make the world a better place. I no know what it is like to be a commoner. I understand their problems and their meager successes. I am a friend to the powerless!_

_Haruhi: (blushes) Oh, Kyoya, you don't owe me anything._

_Kyoya: But I insist. How can I ever pay you back?_

_Haruhi: ...You have to kiss me._

_Kyoya: Why? _

_Haruhi: I love you._

_Kyoya: (has a dramatic pause, and ponders this while looking dreamy)_

_Kyoya: I've just realized that I love you too._

_(The lovers embrace and kiss)_

_Kyoya: Let' get married!_

_Haruhi: Yeah, and Tamaki will plan the wedding!_

_Renge: (v.o) And with that, the stories of these two young men begin anew, and intertwine into one. Will they have the perfect wedding? Will their parents approve of their relationship or try to break them apart? Will their relationship last the trials before them?_

_Haruhi: I love you._

_Kyoya: I love you more._

_( the lovers embrace and kiss more)_

_End scene._

* * *

><p>Haruhi: … Wow. I think that you actually became worse at writing. And why am I still a boy in this script, anyway?<p>

Renge: It makes it more MOE.

Tamaki: It's BRILLIANT! I love it! The scenes are so driven with romance and power and kisses and (goes off on tangent on how AHMAZING it is) But there is only one TINY thing wrong with it. Why is Mommy the love interest in it? And why is my precious daughter still a boy? I thought that I made everyone aware that Haruhi and I were the love interests and that everybody else was the homosexual supporting cast.

Renge: That's two things, you phony prince. And don't try to mess with my artistic direction! (becomes Medusa Renge) GOT IT!?

Tamaki: (goes into the classic Tamaki Corner, which I will now name the bitch corner) Yes my princess. Don't kill me.

Renge: I wasn't finished. Anyway, the villain of my brilliant screenplay is Mori-senpai!

Kaoru: That's original.

Renge: Yes, I know. And here's the twist: He's in love with Kyoya! He wants revenge upon Haruhi for stealing him.

(Silence. LOONG silence.)

Mori: …

Hikaru: Um. What? Why is everyone in this screenplay of yours gay?

Honey: I think that this one is even worse than the last one you did. Stick to doujinshi.

**Er. I think that you guys are getting off track again. I'll ask one more time; How do you feel about the interviews?**

Hikaru: I'd like to address the fact that at the end of the manga, Kyoya, me and Kaoru get kind of screwed over. What's up with that? I mean, Mori and Honey-senpai get happily married, Haruhi ends up with Tamaki, and then what? We get tossed aside like cold liver.

**Right, that is true! How does my favorite Kyoya feel about the end of the manga?**

Kaoru: I thought that I was your favorite.

… **So… KYOYA HOW DO YOU FEEL?**

Kyoya: The mangaka and I had a… discussion about my fate. I think that it is for the better that I don't reveal what happened then.

* * *

><p>Tamaki: (inner mind theatre:)<p>

_The EVIL Shadow King with his aura of doom approaches the mangaka._

_Kyoya: Now, do as I say or I will kill you._

_Mangaka: SAVE ME TAMAKI!_

_Tamaki jets in on a jetpack and defeats Kyoya, then Haruhi happily gives him a hug._

_Kyoya: NOOoooooooo!_

_Haruhi: My hero! I love you, Tamaki!_

_This has been inner mind theatre with Tamaki._

**What the hell?**

Kaoru: He's being a pervert again.

* * *

><p>(AN: And that, was part 1 of the epilogue! Submit your questions for the Hosts or other characters so that I can torture them more. Review, please! Second part coming up after I get some more questions, I have no more ideas.)


	10. Epilogue part 2

(A/N: I don't own OHSHC, and that is all. Part two of the epilogue commences!)

**Oookay. Hey! Let's bring in some lesser-known characters, just for fun!**

Mei: Why am I a lesser-known character? I'm pretty freaking awesome.

Reiko: Yeah, I'm important. I'm Honey's wife!

**No one knows who you are because they only watched the anime, which ended before its time. You peeps are manga-only characters.**

Mei: That's not fair.

**Sorry. I don't make the rules, cupcake.**

Ayanokoji: Shut up. I was only in 1 chapter, and I was the villain! I had star potential! I could have been way better than that cross-dresser commoner! It's not fair! Now, thanks to HER, everyone hates me! I don't have a fandom!

Mei: The reason you don't have a fandom is because you suck. Yeah. I said it. No one likes you because you harassed Haruhi and Haruhi is everyone's favorite. In fact, I don't think she'll have to solve a single one of her problems ever, for the rest of her life!

Haruhi: MEI! Are you suggesting that I am needy?

Honey: No, of course not, Haru-chan! She just means that we will take care of everything for you!

Tamaki: (miraculously reviving after hearing Haruhi) YES! Haruhi, you are daddy's little princess and will never have to want for anything as long as you live! Do you want a mountain? An island? A puppy?

Haruhi: No. Go to hell. I didn't choose to marry you. In fact, I was pissed when I found out that I was in love with you! I thought that it was a joke!

**Let's not get out of hand. Um, did anyone actually answer my original question?**

Kyoya: No.

**Never mind. Let's go with a commonly asked question about the Host Club: What the hell drugs are you people on? Why does anyone go to the Host Club anyway? You guys are just pimping yourselves out! The only difference between the Host Club and a red light district is that you guys just serve tea and chat with people. **

Tamaki: How dare you, madame! The Host Club is Ouran's elegant playground for the rich and beau-

**Can it, Blondy. I was asking Kyoya.**

Tamaki: (retreats into the bitch corner)

Kyoya: Well, the answer is that the girls at Ouran are mostly really stupid and lonely. And have too much money. The closest they will ever get to us is through the Host Club, and if it makes a profit, why not?

Kaoru: Yeah, I won't deny the pimping thing. Tamaki IS a huge slut.

(general consensus from everyone except Tamaki who revives from the bitch corner)

Tamaki: I am NOT! I just have a lot of love to share. And I want to share it with as many ladies as possible!

Haruhi: Slut.

Kyoya: Well, Tamaki, I always knew you had loose morals, but I never knew that you were so honest about it.

Hikaru: He's a pervert.

Tamaki: I'm NOT a pervert! I'm just honest about my feelings.

Haruhi: That's the nicest description of a pervert I've ever heard.

Honey: Tama-chan? You sound kinda creepy.

Mori: He's right.

Mei: I can't believe I ever had a crush on this idiot.

Renge: Phony prince.

(meanwhile, Tamaki is doing his famous invention from ep. 4: One-man slow motion!)

**Ok, ok. That's enough beating up on Tamaki (never thought I could say that). Another popular question: Renge, when you first saw Kyoya, you decided that you were going to marry him and that you would do pretty much whatever the hell you wanted. Why?**

Renge: Oh, that's easy. I always was used to getting whatever I wanted all the time. My father let me do whatever the hell I wanted. And Kyoya was cute, so why not?

**Mmm. OK. Here's a fun question for everyone: Who's the best looking Host?**

Haruhi: That's a matter of opinion.

Tamaki: Me, of course! I am the prince of the Host club, and the most beautiful man at Ouran!

Hikaru & Kaoru: WE are! And there are two of us, so we are twice as hot!

Kyoya: NEXT QUESTION.

**Scary. I have a very big question for the twins: Why do you sleep in the same bed?**

Hikaru: Don't all siblings,

Kaoru: Share a bed?

Haruhi: Sure, when they are 3 years old and can't have their own room. What's your excuse?

Kaoru: Brotherly love.

Mori: That didn't answer the question.

**Never mind. And speaking of unanswered questions, why didn't you answer that girl who was pouring out her delicate heart to you, Mori? You were so cruel.**

Mori: Hmm.

_(translation: I can't give false hope.)_

**I can live with that answer.**

Haruhi: He didn't say anything.

**I could read his soul.**

Haruhi: You're insane.

(A/N: And the saga continues. Remember to comment and ask your own questions, people! The contest is still on!)


	11. The grand finale!

(A/N: This is my last writing of the year, peeps. The long awaited finale to my series! Yayyyyyyyyyyy so happy! As usual, I don't own OHSHC, Bisco hatori does, etc etc.)

* * *

><p>Haruhi: You're insane.<p>

**Irrelevant. Anyway, there are some questions from fans! A question for Tamaki: If you didn't get Haruhi, who would you want her to date?**

Tamaki: I'd rather she dies alone than without me. She is my one true love! I could not bear to see her with another man! I'd rather that we both pulled a Romeo and Juliet than live without each other for a single day! Haruhi agrees with me! RIGHT?

Haruhi: Senpai, if you want to die, do it by yourself.

**If you had to kiss any Host, who would it be?**

Hikaru: Who are you asking?

**Everyone.**

Tamaki/Kaoru/Hikaru/Mori/Kasanoda: Haruhi!

Haruhi: Er.

**Take it as a compliment. Everyone else?**

Haruhi: If I answer that truthfully, then many fans will want to die, so I'm going to say… uh… Usa-chan.

Honey: Oh, me too! Usa-chan is my second best friend!

Renge: That is a tough decision, and to make it I have to factor in many things. For example, Kyoya is the best looking, but Honey and Mori are so MOE, and the twins are just…. 3!

Tamaki: What about me?

Renge: No. I would sooner jump off a cliff that even think of kissing YOU, phony prince. The idea itself makes me want to never eat rice AGAIN!

**Cool. Anyway, some more questions: Haruhi, do you like video games, and if so, which ones?**

Haruhi: I don't really like video games, they take away time from studying. But I like to play chess to relax. It's such a good game, it exercises your mind and makes you think!

Hikaru: She is so…

Kaoru: Boring. How could we both..

Hikaru/Kaoru: Have had a crush on her?

Haruhi: I can hear you, you know.

Hikaru: We know that, That's why we said it-

Kaoru: -Loudly. So you could understand clearer.

Haruhi: I hate you two.

Kyoya: Is it that time of the month, Haruhi? You seem more belligerent than usual lately. Might I suggest some Tylenol?

Haruhi: … You know, Kyoya, you didn't answer the kissing question.

Kyoya: (poker face intact) next question.

Haruhi: But-

Kyoya: NEXT QUESTION.

**Eep! Ok, a question for Mori: If you had to marry a Host (not Haruhi or Honey) who would it be?**

Mori: Uhm.

_(translation: Probably Hikaru, except he's too stupid. Sort of like Tamaki, they're on the same level. (remember when he hosted Hikaru during the Haruki/Kaoru love crisis?))_

Kaoru: What did he say?

**Don't worry about it. Kaoru, if you could choose, would you rather let Hikaru have Haruhi, or date her yourself?**

Haruhi: Hey, don't I get a say in this? I don't want to date either of those gay twins.

**Shut up, lady. This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so clumsy. You broke your vase, now sit in the shards, princess! Kaoru?**

Kaoru: Eh, I probably would have dated her. Hikaru is too immature, and besides, you can't share everything, as SOME fanfic writers would have you believe. Perverts.

**True. That threesome stuff is just… Scary. I've got a question for Renge, although I'm not sure that the world is ready for an answer, but what the heck. Renge, did you write any Honey/Tamaki fanfiction or doujins? And who tops?**

Renge: Oh, I'm glad that you asked! In fact, I just finished a screenplay for my next hit yaoi short film for the Host Club! I call it, "Unbidden passion in the room of regrets"! Take a look!

* * *

><p><em>Renge: vo; The two beautiful blonds of the Host club. Their lonely hearts beat for each other, yearning, waiting for their love to be accepted._

_Tamaki: Everyone! Gather around! I have a great announcement for you all._

_(beat)_

_Tamaki: Honey-senpai and I have been secretly dating for years now._

_(the Hosts gasp)_

_Haruhi: I-Is this…_

_Honey: Yes, it's true. I've always loved Tamaki, from the day he first accepted me._

_Tamaki: Senpai, will you marry me?_

_Honey: Of course!_

_(The lovers embrace)_

_Kaoru: Eh?_

_Renge, v/o: And with this, the new chapter of the lives of these brave lovers is opened… Will they have their fairytale wed-_

* * *

><p>Kyoya: What fresh hell is this? I can't even fathom the sort of drugs you would need to even begin comprehending the appeal in this trash.<p>

Renge: You don't understand art.

Kyoya: Renge. Art is in museums, and played in orchestras, and on the silver screen. This is vomit. Literal vomit. I thought that you were sort-of smart.

Mori: Yeah.

Honey: I think I threw up in my mouth a little. And Tama-chan is crying in his corner.

Tamaki: (indiscernible sobs/mumbles)

Renge: Everyone's a critic. Amateurs.

**Yeesh. Haruhi, who is your favorite Host?**

Haruhi: Uhm… When you say 'favorite', what do you mean?

**Stop stalling.**

Haruhi: KyoyaaaaaAAAAAll of them.

Tamaki: HARUHI! It's okay, you don't have to lie for their sake. I'm your favorite Host, right darling?

**Somehow, you made the word darling sound disgusting.**

Tamaki: Silence! But still, me, right?

Haruhi: Uh, no. You're not even in the top ten.

Hikaru: There are only six Hosts.

Haruhi: I know what I said, Hikaru.

Tamaki: (flies into the bitch corner yet again, causing even the walls to complain. He grows mushrooms. Many many mushrooms.)

**Stop growing fungi in my office, you piece of trash.**

Haruhi: See what I have to live with?

**A bunch of hot boys. I feel sooo bad. Boo hoo. Anyway, last question; Mori? Honey? Just… what's wrong with you two? Mori, why are you so hung up on Honey? I know you're family and all that but it's a bit much. And Honey, how are you so short? Just, damn. Are you really taking anything from Kyoya, because you shouldn't.**

Mori: (sigh) He needs me to take care of him. He's not really the best at taking care of himself.

Honey: Takashi!

Mori: Mitsukuni, did you brush your hair today?

Honey: Nooooooo.

Mori: Point proven.

**Makes sense. And Honey?**

Honey: No, I don't think that Kyo-chan puts anything in my food, but the mille-feuille has always tasted really minerally. Is it supposed to taste that way?

Kyoya: Of course it is. What a silly question.

**No, I don't think it is. Is there something inside the pastry? Did you put something in it?**

Kyoya: Nothing major.

Honey; What does that mean?

**Er, I think that you guys can discuss this on your own. This interview is finished, thak you all for your time.**

Honey: Kyo-chan?

**GOODBYE.**

_The end._

* * *

><p>(An: Mucho thanks to **AnimeBestie**, **MisakaMikotoElectromaster**, and **killjarkidranger** for asking questions, it helped quite a lot. At any rate, the winner of my comment contest was (to no surprise) my pally **AnimeBestie**! PM me that pairing, and the fic for you will be written within 2 weeks! Thanks to all the peeps who wasted time reading this mess, virtual kisses and kittens to all! Please continue to read and review my fics, and if you really are a glutton for punishment, read **A night I'd rather forget.** It has all the Hosts in a cracky setting getting wasted. WHEEE I'm actually finished this project!)


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